


Nuts!

by Zhie



Category: The Lord of the Rings - J. R. R. Tolkien, The Silmarillion and other histories of Middle-Earth - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Bunniverse, Squirrels, Talking to animals
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-21
Updated: 2017-07-20
Packaged: 2018-12-04 20:46:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,316
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11563026
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zhie/pseuds/Zhie
Summary: Erestor and Haldir do some unexpected father-son bonding over an evil squirrel's antics.  As always, Glorfindel saves the day.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> From December 2009:
> 
> Still can be enjoyed without knowing my little AU, but fits right into it somewhere after ‘Consequences’ for those who devour my writings. No title for it, though... I’ll think of one after dinner. It's basically gen-fic, except for the 'squirrel swear'... might want to cover the ears of any little squirrelings that might be listening...

“Haldir is standing beneath a large tree with his hands on his hips, his expression one of great annoyance...”

Rumil chortled. “You say that as if there is some other expression he might have when he is standing somewhere with his hands on his hips.”

Orophin shrugged. “I just thought you might want to know what was going on.” Orophin looked out the window again, the curtain held back just enough for him to watch, but not enough for Haldir to notice he was watching. “Oh! Here comes Erestor. I wish I could be there to hear this conversation!”

“So go out there,” suggested Elrond, who was not particularly in need of the play-by-play updates that Orophin was providing.

“If I go out there, he will know I have been spying on him.” Orophin moved to the other side of the window to get a better view of what was going on.

Elrond lowered his book. “The two of you have been brothers how long?”

“All my life, and most of his.”

“Brothers naturally spy on each other. He probably knows right now that you are spying on him,” pointed out Elrond.

“Nuh-uh.” Orophin stood up and peeked over the top of the curtain. “I am an expert spy. Besides, not all brothers spy on each other. Rumil, for instance, never spies on Haldir and I, do you, Rumil?”

“Of course not,” said Rumil quickly, but the look and the grin he shared briefly with Elrond told otherwise. 

\---

“Oh, good, you came.” Haldir’s annoyance subsided slightly.

Erestor nodded. “Your mother told me it was very important.” Ever since the revelation became public that Erestor had sired Haldir, the librarian had made a point to include himself in Haldir’s life as much as possible, no matter how silly the event. And, judging from what Galadriel had told him between polite giggles and undeniable smirks, this was to rank among the sillier reasons Erestor rode down from his cottage to the First Homely House of Valinor. “Something about an evil squirrel.” Saying it himself nearly made him laugh. “She said it has become the bane of your existence.” Yes. Definitely full of silliness this evening. He sniffled and rubbed his nose, not because he was due to sneeze, but because it was the only way to keep from smiling.

Haldir adjusted his arms, crossing them over his chest. “It is targeting me. The little monster has excellent aim – keeps pitching nuts at my window at night. It waits until I finish yelling at it and get into bed before it throws the next one! I swear, it is a minion of Morgoth himself!”

“I see.” Erestor had long wondered if insanity ran on Haldir’s mother’s side, and the proof seemed to be evident knowing the history of Finwe’s line. “So what exactly do you want me to do?”

“You talk to animals.”

“Occasionally.”

“Great. Tell him to stop,” said Haldir, glaring up at the tree branches that swayed in the autumn wind. “And tell him he is an idiot! And, if you do not mind, I would appreciate it if you would hurry. The fact that Orophin is watching us is unnerving.”

“Orophin?” Erestor glanced around.

“Shhh! Do not look! In the window, in the parlor.” Haldir groaned when Erestor turned around. “Oh, great! Now he knows we know...” grumbled Haldir.

“Sorry.” Erestor sighed. Being a father was hard work. Being Haldir’s father seemed impossible sometimes. “So you want me to tell your squirrel to stop throwing things around?”

“And that he is an idiot.”

Taking a deep breath, Erestor looked up at the tree with folded hands and made some sort of chatterish noises and chirps. For a moment, it was silent, and Haldir wondered if Erestor was simply placating him. Then, there was an answer – a reply in the same chirpy-chitter and Erestor tilted his head to one side in order to better hear and translate.

“Well? What did he say?” demanded Haldir.

“Apparently, you snore. The squirrel – which happens to be a she, by the way – has not appreciated the noise, and keeps throwing things at the window in hopes you will turn over and stop snoring.”

“I am not the one snoring – tell her to peg someone else’s window!” Haldir snapped his fingers. “Elrond – he is the one snoring! It used to scare Rumil when he was younger. Whenever Elrond spent a holiday in Lothlorien, we had to be sure Rumil spent the night elsewhere. Elrond is a very loud snorer.”

“Huh.”

“What?”

“All these years... well, during the Last Alliance, he and Ereinion shared a tent, right next to the one that Glorfindel and I were occupying. That bugger kept blaming that incessant snoring on Gil-Galad – and of course, no one was going to ask a king to stop snoring.” Erestor started to wonder what else had been blamed upon Ereinion through the years, but his thoughts were interrupted by chatter in the tree above him. “Well, I never! That was certainly rude and uncalled for!” he shouted upwards. A tiny little squirrel face peeked out of the branches, and both elves would later swear she waggled her little tongue at them. 

“Now what?” Haldir had his hands on his hips again, same annoyed look as he had when Erestor had arrived.

“She just called you... well, some very unkind words for being too uneducated to know how to speak squirrel talk yourself. Apparently, she had been trying to tell you what was going on for weeks,” explained Erestor, who was rather cross and was trying to formulate his own insult back.

“A squirrel just called me stupid?”

Erestor frowned. “Not exactly...”

“Well, what, then?”

“Well, you know... squirrel talk... nothing ever translates very well, and—“

“What did she say?”

Instead of looking at his son, Erestor opted to stare at the ground. “She called you an owl pellet.”

“What?!”

“An owl pellet,” repeated Erestor. “It is a... a term for a bird dropping that—“

“I know what owl pellets are!” Haldir stooped down and grabbed a handful of acorns from the ground. “Let us see what she thinks about this!” He drew his arm back, acorn at the ready. Erestor gently but swiftly took hold of Haldir’s arm to keep him from launching an assault on a creature that was one-fiftieth his size.

“Let me try to reason with her,” suggested Erestor. 

“Reason with her? She is a squirrel!”

“A squirrel you asked me to come and reason with in the first place,” Erestor reminded Haldir. Haldir nodded, and Erestor stepped closer to the tree. Again, he began to chatter at the upper branches, but in the midst of an explanation about how intelligent Haldir was, and how he himself did not appreciate such rude comments being made about his son, an acorn unexpectedly flew out of the tree and pegged Erestor right between the eyes. “Ow! You little—“

“I told you she had great aim.”

“She IS one of Morgoth’s minions!” declared Erestor as he shrugged out of his outer robe and started to climb the tree. “Tell your mother to boil some water – we are having squirrel soup tonight!”

“I thought you were a vegetarian,” said Haldir as he helped boost his father up into the tree.

“Never mind that, just hand me a big stick and – ow!” Erestor hugged the tree to keep from losing his balance as another acorn whipped across his ear. He narrowed his eyes, an annoyed expression crossing his face that gave no doubt to any passerby that the two elves glaring up at the tree were related. “This is war,” he growled as he began to climb again.

\---

“This is just amazing entertainment! You cannot buy tickets to an event like this, not even in Valimar,” declared Orophin as he continued to watch the spectacle outside. “Whatever is in that tree certainly seems to be winning,” he announced to anyone who might listen as Erestor fell a short distance to the ground for the third time since he’d thrown his outer robe onto the ground in a huff.

“Do you think we should go out and—“

“No, no,” said Elrond, interrupting whatever aid Rumil might have been suggesting. “They have a lot of time to make up. Let them do whatever crazy sort of father-son bonding they came up with,” he suggested, certain that the silliness that Haldir exhibited from time to time was something that was passed along from Erestor’s side of the family.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> From December 2009:   
> The squirrel insisted on a part two...

Haldir was standing beneath a large tree with his hands on his hips, his expression one of great annoyance, when Glorfindel happened upon his cousin. “Nice tree,” remarked Glorfindel. Haldir mumbled something under his breath that Glorfindel did not quite catch, so Glorfindel just nodded. “Have you seen Erestor this afternoon?”

Another curse, this one fairly audible left Haldir’s lips. “Elrond is stitching up a cut on his hand. Nothing serious.”

“Of course not. Any time you need to get the resident healer involved, it cannot be too serious.” Glorfindel watched Haldir for some other reaction or comment, but when none came, he looked up to the spot that Haldir was staring at. “Should I even ask what happened?” He had noted that one of Erestor’s favorite robes was wadded up on the ground near the tree, and Haldir’s clothes had grass stains on them, not to mention a little blood (which he assumed to be Erestor’s).

“Squirrel,” was the only answer Glorfindel received.

“Oh.” Glorfindel had turned his head to look at Haldir as he said this, which happened to be the exact time that a large nut came flying towards his head. The blond, without even looking, reached upwards and caught the object in his hand, crushing it a moment later by simply squeezing it. “Walnut. My favorite,” he said as he opened his palm.

Haldir blinked. “How did you—“

Glorfindel shrugged, and began to pick through the debris, munching on the edible pieces. “Do I really need an explanation? I mean, you know who I am, right? Balrog slayer, nazgul scarer... I am actually surprised that you are being bested by a squirrel.”

Haldir narrowed his eyes. “Funny, the way I remember the story, your squirrel bested you, too.”

“My squirrel?”

“By squirrel, I mean balrog.”

Glorfindel narrowed his eyes in return. “I was going to offer to share this with you, but now you can get your own.” A second nut flew out of the tree. Glorfindel caught it and frowned. “You have any more walnuts up there?” A little chattering noise followed. “No, I hate pecans. How about almonds?” A light colored nut shot down. Glorfindel caught this one, and tossed the pecan back up. “Thanks.” He started to walk away, but Haldir stopped him.

“How did you do that? You were not speaking in squirrel talk!”

“Squirrel talk?” Glorfindel looked at Haldir as if he had grown a second head. “This is not Middle-earth, Haldir. The squirrels in Aman can understand us.”

“But...” Haldir shook his head. “That makes no sense!”

“Because you speak Sindarin. Try it in Quenya.” Glorfindel cracked the almond between his thumb and index finger, then tossed the nut up into the air and caught it in his mouth. “Oh, and watch out.”

“Watch out for what?” A split second later, a hazelnut smacked Haldir in the side of the head.

“That.” Glorfindel tossed the shells into the damp grass and leaves that were on the ground and called out, “How about one for the road?”

A single almond launched from the tree. Glorfindel had to back up a little in order to grab it, but he still managed to, and cracked it with his bare hands as he walked away.

“How in blazes does he do that?” wondered Haldir. The former warden looked up at the tree. “For that matter, how do you do that?”

He swore he heard the squirrel laugh at him.

“Look, as soon as Erestor gets back, he and I are going to get a ladder. We are going to tear off every single leaf from this tree to get to you if we have to!” Haldir considered what he had just said. “Actually, that sounded a lot better when I was angrier... oh, wait, Quenya, not Sindarin.” He then repeated his entire statement, but in Quenya, then waited for a reply – which came in the form of a pecan. This time, he managed to dodge out of the way.

“How is it going?” Erestor approached, his left hand wrapped in linen and held close.

“Glorfindel just helped the squirrel make me look stupider. By the way, he was looking for you.”

“The squirrel?”

“No, Glorfindel was. The squirrel is a girl, remember?”

“Oh, right.” Erestor gave the approximate area of the tree he believed the squirrel to be in a harsh look. “Elrond refused to let us bring the ladder out here. Something about not wanting to have to set any broken bones tonight.”

With a look of determination, Haldir set his hands upon his hips again. “This is not over. There must be another way for us to conquer this foe.”

Sometimes, when he still doubted the fact he was Haldir’s father, Erestor only needed to remember how stubborn his son was, and all uncertainties dissolved like mist on a sunny day. “We could... burn it down. We could chop down the tree; Gimli would only too happily help us with that.”

“There has to be a way to take care of that damned critter without hurting the tree,” said Haldir.

“I thought you knew how to talk to trees,” recalled Erestor.

Haldir nodded. “I would have talked to this one, but he has been taking a nap.”

“All day?”

“All year. Trees never do anything quickly.”

“Indeed.” Erestor looked the tree up and down. “We could put a cat up there, and hope it gets your squirrel before the squirrel knocks it unconscious. I am uncertain of how humane that would be for the cat.”

The latest idea caused Haldir to smile smugly. “A cat... perfect. There are cats in the barn.” He gave Erestor an expectant look.

“I suppose you are nominating me to go and get one,” he assumed.

“You are already injured. Those barn cats are biters, and their claws are very sharp. Besides,” added Haldir. “You talk to animals. Maybe you can just lure one over here.”

“A cat? I think not. You do understand that animals all speak their own languages, right? I might be old and learned, but I cannot speak to every single species. Especially not cats – they guard their language with a fierce amount of secrecy. They hardly even speak to each other!” 

“I just assumed... I mean, cats are so common,” added Haldir. 

Erestor sighed. “I will be right back.”

It was twenty minutes before Erestor returned, holding a hissing, spitting cat in his outstretched arms. He was now sporting a number of angry scratches along his arms, and a few across his neck. “I do hope this works,” he said sincerely as he reached up and placed the cat on the tallest branch he could reach.

The cat yowled twice before realizing it had been released. An almond was loosed as a warning shot, hitting the leaves near the cat. With a sudden jerk, the cat crouched down, glanced around, and then leaped to the ground – and kept running long after Erestor and Haldir gave up chasing it.

“I am so tired,” admitted Haldir as they watched the cat bound beyond the barn and down to the pasture where the goats were meandering. He sat down in the grass, and Erestor sat down beside him. “Of course, if I take a nap, that means listening to that THING throwing stuff at my window.”

Before Erestor could come up with a suitable response, something hit him in the back of the head. “Oh, honestly!” He picked up the pecan that was on the ground and rubbed his head. “This is getting ridiculous! We must be, what, a quarter kilometer away!”

“Someone needs to recruit that squirrel for their rugby team.”

After a moment of shared laughter, Erestor patted Haldir on the back. “There is one good thing about having parents who live in different houses, you know.”

“What would that be?”

“I have never had a problem with psychotic squirrels at my cottage,” said Erestor. “I still have shared custody despite the fact you are over three thousand years old, right?”

Haldir laughed. “Four thousand, but who keeps track? Let me go grab a few things.” He stood up and started to jog towards the house. Haldir stopped and turned back around. “Hey, and uh, thanks for your help, Eres—er, um, Ada.” It still felt a little weird to use the term for Erestor, but Haldir was getting used to it, and hoped it was what his old mentor wanted.

If the smile on Erestor’s face was any indication, it was. “Go on, then. I will wait for you right here.” 

A little while later, as Erestor sat in the grass watching the sun set, he heard someone approach from behind him. “There you are. Did you manage to catch your squirrel?”

“The squirrel is not mine, and no. The quest failed. We have given up, and are going to head back to the cottage. He is tired, and I am frustrated that a squirrel managed to best us both,” explained Erestor. 

“Sounds like an adventure. Sorry I missed it.” Glorfindel gave a sharp whistle, and a rustling came from the tree. As an almond sailed through the air, Erestor shook his head. The nut was caught by Glorfindel, and he opened it as he had with the others.

“Stop encouraging her,” insisted Erestor when Glorfindel whistled again. “Besides, that is her stash for the winter.”

Glorfindel chuckled. “You do know that is one of Gildor’s trained pets.”

“I do now! Why did you not tell me?”

“I was going to, as soon as I found you. And, here you are – oh, Erestor, I have news for you about the squirrel that is vexing Haldir.”

“Go... climb a tree,” muttered Erestor.

“It can juggle, too.”

“Well, tell it to get out of that tree by tomorrow or it becomes an ex-juggling squirrel,” suggested Erestor. “Now, if you will excuse me—wait, it can really juggle?”

Glorfindel cracked a smile. “No, I just wanted to see how long you would buy that. Well, have fun, I promised Gildor I would capture his runaway squirrel and bring her back.”

“Good. Haldir will be thrilled.” As an afterthought, Erestor added, “Would you mind asking her not to throw anything at the house, just in case she ever escapes and ends up here again?”

“Sure, but I doubt that would do much good,” said Glorfindel.

“Oh. Still going to throw things no matter what, then?”

Glorfindel shook his head. “No. She does not throw them. She kicks them. I suppose if you had asked her to stop kicking them at—“

“Go away. Go now, or I am liable to kick YOU.”

“As you wish.” Glorfindel strolled away towards the tree. “By the way,” he called out to Erestor, “there is a cat that is very pissed off at both of you. He was plotting against you; something about a dead bird on your pillow. You might want to sleep with your bedroom windows closed tonight.”

Erestor looked over his shoulder and blinked incredulously. “The cat told you that?”

“He was telling anyone who would listen.”

“But how did you—“

“All these years of knowing me, and you still have to ask?”

“Never mind,” mumbled Erestor. “Just make sure that squirrel is out of that tree by morning.”

Glorfindel smiled, the mischief in his eyes hidden from Erestor once he had turned around. “But of course.”


End file.
